AfterMARK

Returning from Canada, I knew that things had to change.  I couldn’t go around feeling ashamed or  sorry for myself or feeling like I’d be alone for the rest of my life.  That said, I was returning to a more judgmental place and any adjustment would be gradual. 

Even two months after it was over, my life still seemed to revolve around Mark.  My every action, it seemed, was a reaction to his absences.  Following my trip, though, I returned aware that changes needed to be made. 

I was going to meet people.  I was going to date.  I was going to make friends going through the same situation (aside from me and Cole). 

Part 1: A Friend

Returning to work, Stacia noticed that I was in better spirits.  After the breakup, she could spot the disappointment on me like Oprah can spot a good book.  Upon my return, my account of the adventure at work focused mostly upon the scenery and the research. 

Pulling me aside, she pointed out the change in my disposition.  “You’re looking refreshed. Any Canadian lovin’ I need to know about?” She was delighted by my boldness in obtaining Marcelo, the flight attendant’s, phone number and my moment in Eric’s arms.  “You have the makings of a playa’!”

I was really amused by her comment.  The only gay boys I knew at school were entirely unappealing.  They fit every stereotype I was trying to escape.  They seemed to get upset over every little issue and whine about their lot in life to an unbearable degree.  They had no idea what I was going through.

Then it hit me.  I’m being a total hypocrite.  I want a world of acceptance and love yet I can’t bring myself to give one of these guys a chance.  I was going to give someone a chance.  Someone safe that I could confide in.  Someone who could save me from the consuming loneliness that I faced on a daily basis. 

One day Jack walked into my office.  He had a nerdy vibe, a high-pitched voice, and that sarcastic, witty way about him.  A slight ping in the gaydar went off.  I think he’s gay, but not too gay.  Sure enough, after a wee bit of facebook stalking, it was clear that he was safe to approach (“interested in men” is a pretty big clue). 

When an opportune time arose, I used my beat around the bush tactics to make a connection and get to the subject.  I started:

Jack, I noticed your status update yesterday (when I was making some changes to the department profile on Facebook) and it struck me-- Geez, that's exactly how I feel right now. You see, I'm going through a pretty bad break-up and it's killing me.

Despite his gruffly sarcastic exterior, he proved himself sensitive and gracious as he sent me a considerate reply:

It's always nice to feel like you have someone who will listen, someone that can at least agree and say "Yes, I get it", even if they can't fix the problem. I'm glad that you at least felt like you could message me. I'm sorry it ended badly. You will find someone better who actually deserves you. Chin up! If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to ask.

What better response could a guy in my position ask for?  Someone was ready to listen to me and take care of me.  Not long after that, we were texting and hanging out. 

It had become just what I’d wanted when things got complicated.

End, Part 1

Note: Whoever can explain the title of this series first can ask me any question they’d like.  I’ll answer as I deem appropriate (via email or an actual post).