Sue Says: Stop Being Sneaky

Okay everyone—sorry for the cliffhanger. The final installment is coming soon. It’s difficult to write because it involves a big first and also involves tying together the stories I’ve been telling. Of any post that I started or completed to this point, I feel this one has the most at stake in every sense.

In other news, writing continues to be bogged down by emotions, and some time commitments for two huge academic and community projects (those of you in Utah: you’re welcome to participate in the latter of the two—just email me).

Instead of something substantive or personal today, I share something that you’ve probably run into on other blogs, but here is one of the best Glee-related videos to date:

The “Not Gay” Man

"There are three types of men in Utah: the gays, the straights, and the 'not gays.' "—my best friend, Cole.

In LDS culture, many GMBs go through life being defended. When these boys are teased, their friends and family often come to their aid and say, "He's not gay."

That said, in 90% of cases, though, the "not gay" boy turns out to be gay (not an actual statistic to clarify). There may be something to the perception that young people have, or the tendency that we have as human beings to point out each others' "weaknesses." Whatever the case, family, friends, and the boys themselves feel the necessity to defend themselves against such accusations.

One example is my best friend Cole. Throughout high school, bullies targeted him for his artistic abilities and his mannerisms. All of his friends, myself included, made an effort to support him by telling his tormentors and witnesses that he was "not gay." I, myself, received similar (perhaps more tactful) accusations on my mission based upon the way I crossed my legs from dear friends.

Roughly one month after I came out to Cole, he confirmed the suspicions of not only those bullies (a number of whom came out themselves) but also many of the friends who defended him. Reactions, as in any case, were mixed. He felt a slight sense of resentment from a few of his friends, but most were happy with his announcement.

The major lesson to be learned is that although we truly never know the complete story of anyone's life, people's perceptions that counter the person's self-perception can never be completely discounted. In other words, we must be sensitive not only to the ways that a person perceives him/herself, but also to the way he/she does not (or perhaps does not yet) him/herself.

Sharpening That Utah Gaydar

A couple of months after one of my best girl friends returned from her mission, my best friend decided that it was time we broke the news to her. It was difficult for all of us. Jacqueline, the friend in question, was shocked and upset by the prospect of her two best male friends were gay. Both of us had served missions. Both of us had been ideal friends in high school and afterwards, yet such a revelation inevitably resulted in a sense of betrayal.

As Jacqueline came to terms with the idea of her two best guys being gay (one doesn't necessarily adjust to the fag hag mantle at the drop of a hat), she needed time space and the help of a few friends who had already gone through such a transition. Eventually, she came around and we found ourselves, weeks later with another friend from Provo, at PF Chang's sitting down to a twenty-something's idea of a fancy dinner.

Within a few minutes, the conversation turned to the gay life in Utah. "Utah must have the worst dating scene there is. How do you even find somebody?" Cole, the other gay bff, pointed out one of the waiters and within a few minutes the waiter returned a flirting glance. Shocked, Jacqueline gasped unintentionally and once the waiter was out of sight exclaimed, "How did you do that?!"

We explained that it's a science that comes with practice and is by no means perfect. Within ten minutes we had a list:

1. Is the facial hair nicely trimmed?
   
2. Does the hair stick up in any way (ie. a faux hawk)?
   
3. Are the shoes pointy or at least Italian-looking?
   
4. Does he have cologne in his car? Hair products?
   
5. Is his but tucked as he walks?
   
6. Are his clothes exceptionally well coordinated? (ie. Does his underwear match the rest of his outfit?)
   
7. V-necks?
   
8. Is there a gym membership on his key chain? Or a rewards card to any of the following: a high-end clothing store, a shoe store, a book store?
   

   …
   

Now let's be honest. The aforementioned characteristics are coveted in a straight man which is why it seemed a little piece of Jaqueline died each time we added a point to this list. As the conversation came to an end, she exclaimed "I'm going to end up marrying Bronson!" (one of our more frumpy and awkward high school friends).

To her credit, we did make it seem as if all of the attractive single men in Utah are gay (or gay and don't know it), but we offered her a consoling piece of advice: marry a boy with sisters. "If there's any hope of a straight boy being somewhat concerned about his appearance," Cole advised, "he's probably learned it from his sisters."