One Hundred Posts

In first grade, I remember the 100th day of school in Mrs. Brazier’s class. Everybody was supposed to bring in 100 of something. The Egan twins brought squeaky cheese. My friend Eric brought a collection of Hot Wheels.

My item was a quilt with a hundred patches. It was made out of tricot. I have a similar one on my bed right now and I’m cuddled up in it right now (wishing I were sharing it with someone).

For this, my hundredth post, I first considered the trusty 100 random facts post, I thought that was way too much effort, so instead, I offer several small lists (which should not be considered rankings).

10 Hobbies:

Blogging/Writing
Reading
Watching TV
Trying New Recipes
Procrastinating Chores
Hanging Out with Friends
Coming Up with New Projects
Shopping (I am a D.I. Maniac)
Daydreaming
Socializing

10 MoHo blogs I Read Religiously:

Third-Wave Mormon
Journey of a Gay Mormon Boy
Finding Myself
Evolution of a Lesbian
Hidden in the Light
The Slightly Disturbing Adventures of Grant Haws
Into the West
Sneakers in Sacrament
Captain Midnight
The Gaily Universe

15 Turn-ons (Thanks, Kurt):

Funny
Stunning Smile
Good Laugh
Academic Nerdy Vibe (Where are you, male version of Tina Fey?)
Asian Guys
Curly Hair
Love of NPR
Latin American Accents

Rough and/or Loud Make-Out Sessions
Slim Figure
Goals/Direction
Reciprocation/Equality
Boxer Briefs
An Opinion
Commitment-Oriented

10 Non-Moho Blogs:

BriTunes
a million miles from normal
GleeFan.com | A blog and fansite for Fox's TV Show 'Glee'.
My bizarre world
The Maudlin story of a Bisexual Boy
Doctor Who News Page
The Narrow Gate (Mo but not Ho)
Joe. My. God.
Disney Film Project
One Fine Gay

10 Romantic Comedies:

Love Actually
Ever After
(500) Days of Summer
Notting Hill
Pretty Woman
13 Going on 30
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Mannequin
Miss Congeniality
So I Married an Axe Murderer

10 Grad schools I’m Considering:

Washington U. in St. Louis
NYU
UNC-Chapel Hill
University of Toronto
Harvard
Columbia University
University of British Columbia
Berkeley
UCLA
U-Penn
(I’m taking suggestions)

10 Musicals:

Sunday in the Park with George
Dreamgirls
Hairspray
Company
Children of Eden
Mamma Mia! (mostly because of a wonderful story involving Cole)
Into the Woods
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
The Light in the Piazza
Songs from an Unmade Bed

10 Dream Jobs:

Professor of Literature at a University
Writer for Television
Entertainment/Travel/Social Journalist
Writing TV/Movie Reviews
Pizza Delivery (I’ve always wanted to for one night)
Oprah’s Librarian
Wedding/Event Planner
Tour Guide
Matthew Morrison, Tina Fey, Anderson Cooper, Lee Pace, David Tennant, or Meryl Streep’s Personal Assistant
Father

15 Posts I Enjoyed Writing:

The Wanderings and Delusions of a Gay Mormon Boy
Sharpening That Utah Gaydar
The “Not Gay” Man
“The Wall-E Principle”
“We Need to Talk”, Part 3
“We Need to Talk”, Part 5
I Now Pronounce Thee…, Part 4
I Now Pronounce Thee…, Part 5
I Now Pronounce Thee…, Final Part
The ‘Man Harem’ Post
Why Do We Like…?
The Experiment, Part 5
AfterMARK. Part 6
AfterMARK, Part 8
A (Very) Brief Heterosexual Dating History, Bachelorette #4

Thanks for reading.

Please let me know (via email or comment) if you have any questions or requests for future posts.

Lessons in Internet Dating, Part 3

Salutations

“You have 6 new messages,” flashed the white letters at the top of the screen.

6 messages? Apparently, 6 strangers want to have sex with me?

My experience, however, proved that my ideas weren’t entirely true. Then again, they weren’t entirely false.

Two of those messages read something along the lines of “Hey” or “Hit me up sometime.” I suppose on any dating website they come across as shallow and questionable. Both were from guys who weren’t even in the same time zone, so a response didn’t seem all that important or necessary.

The remaining messages, however, were written with a modest amount of effort and sincerity. Don, Drake, another Drake, and Kevin. Each of them introduced themselves a bit, expressed their interest in some form, and left room for a conversation to start. And from day one conversation has never been a source of intimidation.

I read the first message with the analytical eye that I’ve been blessed/cursed with. What are they getting at? Why me? Etc.

Don:

I notice you’re new here and thought I’d introduce myself. I’m Don and I live in Salt Lake with my two dogs. I noticed you’re new here and thought I’d say hi.

Okay. He seems like a nice guy. He wants to find out what I’m interested in and why I’m on the site. What does his profile look like?

15 years older than me, balding, not all that attractive… It wasn’t all that descriptive. He wanted to meet cute guys with personalities. That’s still kind of vague.

My discretion told me: Proceed with caution: you might not want to date him, but who knows… he might be a friend?

A conversation couldn’t hurt. That’s the only way to tell for sure if anything was taken out of context or my analysis was inaccurate.

I responded:

Nice to meet you, Don. I’m GMB. I’m currently a student. I’m more of a cat person myself. Haha.

Something benign without getting too personal. It was perfect.

Minutes later I got a response to my message:

You’re really cute. What do you like to do for fun?
I’m really into writing. I like literature, poetry, and TV. What about you?

What followed was a set of messages that turned into a conversation, but not of the instant messenger sort:

What are your favorite movies?
My Big Fat Greek Wedding is a good one. And I love Love Actually.
Do you like the outdoors?
Camping’s not my favorite, but I really enjoy hiking. Do you work?
I like the outdoors. I can’t wait for summer. Are you from Utah?
Yeah. Born and raised. You?
Yep. Were you ever a missionary?
I was.
Where? So, do you come to Salt Lake a lot?
I’d rather not say. I’m not there often.
You’re welcome to stay here any time you’re around. And you can tell me where you served.
Um… honestly, I don’t think I’d be comfortable with that.

What started out as an innocent conversation just left me very uncomfortable—a big red flag. He asked questions but wouldn’t talk about himself. The questions themselves probed into parts of my life that I wasn’t comfortable discussing. And finally, I was left with the impression that all these guys were really after—as I had agonized when I opened up the account—was sex.

He messaged me a couple more times, apologizing that he’d given the wrong impression, but I just decided to block any future messages. It was what felt right.

In that moment, I was ready to turn back, to say I’ve had enough, and to give up, but he was just one guy. I decided to move on to the other messages.

Things can only get better from here, right?

And time would tell.

End, Part 3

Utah Culture 101

The Honor Code

My apologies, readers. I had every intention of writing the next installment of the Internet Dating series, but found myself without time. The weekend was eventful in the best of unexpected ways.

Instead I leave you with something that I ran across this week that I hadn’t examined for myself. It definitely helps understand the Mormon/homosexual dichotomy at least for those attending Brigham Young University and other schools.

BYU’s Honor Code (a contractual code of conduct between school and student) states the following in the section entitled “Homosexual Behavior or Advocacy”:

Brigham Young University will respond to homosexual behavior rather than to feelings or attraction and welcomes as full members of the university community all whose behavior meets university standards. Members of the university community can remain in good Honor Code standing if they conduct their lives in a manner consistent with gospel principles and the Honor Code.

One's stated same-gender attraction is not an Honor Code issue. However, the Honor Code requires all members of the university community to manifest a strict commitment to the law of chastity [A commandment to abstain from sex until marriage]. Homosexual behavior and/or advocacy of homosexual behavior are inappropriate and violate the Honor Code. Homosexual behavior includes not only sexual relations between members of the same sex, but all forms of physical intimacy that give expression to homosexual feelings. Advocacy includes seeking to influence others to engage in homosexual behavior or promoting homosexual relations as being morally acceptable.

For those of you unfamiliar with the LDS faith or culture, I hope that this sheds some light. Those breaking the Honor Code face expulsion from the school as a consequence of their actions. Students of BYU and other church-run schools are aware of these conditions as they enter them.

(Sorry, BYU friends and alumni, I couldn’t help myself with the pic).

To my chagrin, I must admit that I pinched this informational report from a post I came across in Salt Lake’s Gay Gossip Blog, Salty Gossip. (It’s a sort of guilty pleasure…).

My Life in Charts: Figure #3

Gay Marriage

This debate has been flaring up for about a year now. I’ll eventually get to a set of posts on Prop 8 (as well as my family’s and friends’ reactions), but I found this diagram (Fig. #3) by comedian Patrick Farley pretty funny.

(Click to enlarge).

It really encompasses a debate that I internalized for a while (see these previous posts). I remember thinking things in some of the red hexes and some of the blue hexes, but overall, I came to the conclusion that discrimination is discrimination. Perhaps this stance is controversial, but I’d argue that discrimination is what has held this country back in the past and will continue to hold back its progress.

Think slavery and civil rights. Think Japanese internment. Think expulsion from Nauvoo.

Everyone should be allowed to be who they are and personally practice his or her religion.

Adventures in Internet Dating, Part 2

The Plunge

The construct of dating sites is one that took me a while to come to terms with. I really was lonely and perhaps even desperate as I went into it. Living in a small community and being relatively new to the gay world was intimidating, so the online experience seemed rather logical despite the stigma associated with not meeting guys in-person.

Hunter suggested a particular site to allay many of my anxieties associated with the predatory nature of the online dating world.

“Connexion isn’t like ManHunt or Craigslist,” he said. “They have rules on the kind of pictures you can post, so you don’t need to worry about running into porn where it doesn’t belong.”

“I just don’t feel like I’d be comfortable sharing everything that would be expected of me.”

“No, no, no. You don’t need to worry about that. If you’re not comfortable using your name, don’t worry. You don’t need to post pictures. You don’t even have to say much about you. The point is to start up a conversation and see where it goes from there. You feel your way through these things like you would anything else—minus the face-to-face.”

There was little arguing with that (and that’s coming from someone pretty skilled at constructing written arguments…), so the next day after work, I got online and pulled up the site.

Sure, I was a bit intimidated by the shirtless, speedo pics, but all-in-all it still felt right at the moment. I trusted Hunter and his tastes. I trusted my own discretion.

I had nothing to lose.

Cautiously entering the information the site asked for, I entered what information I deemed practical. Enough, but not too much.

Name?
G.M.B. My initials are safe, no?

Age?
23

Height?
6’

Weight?
165

A little superficial, Mr. Connexion, no?...

Relationship Status?
Single

Politics?
Left

Religion?...
For the first time in my life, I doubted what box I was supposed to check. Who I was supposed to be. Would someone look down on me for being a gay Mormon? Or would some zealot track down everybody who labeled himself as a gay Mormon and turn us in to church headquarters for prompt excommunication?
I simply left it out. I wasn’t sure what to put, so I left it blank. By no means was it a glaring omission, but it was a struggle in my heart of sorts.

This is the first time I can’t be confident, I can’t represent myself in writing, I can’t be sure of what I actually believe.

Interests?
Um…Research, Poetry…

Favorite TV shows?
That took a while…

Movies?
I’ll try not to sound too gay.

Books?
Try not to show off too much.

Music?
Show off that you’re both cultured and hip.

Then finally…
About me: & Looking for:
I explained where I was coming from: …ambitious and caring. …figuring things out…more satisfied with life than ever. Seeking…someone who I can share everything with…love and be loved back. A mess that’s been shaped of the last year.

I’m not sure why I felt comfortable including a picture, but I did. Like ripping the proverbial band-aid off, I quickly clicked on “Submit Changes” and went to bed

The next morning, I awoke to about a half dozen messages and began sifting through them.

End, Part 2

My Life in Charts: Figures #1 & #2

I’m a self-described academic and think there’s a place for humor in the form of charts. Academic life tends to warp an individual in irrecoverable ways (see PhD Comics).

Today’s theme:

Dating

Finding Mr. Right can be a difficult task, but in many ways straight women have it worse as Guggenheim suggests with Fig. #1 (see below). Although there are many exceptions to the rule, gay men have a lot going for them in the eyes of women. Fashionable, cultured, empathetic…. Perhaps we shouldn’t complain so much about dating (esp. around straight girls…. No offense, straight men out there).

Hertzmann complicates the complex science of dateology by examining the correlation between sexual and intellectual attraction in the context of sociologically-defined relationship classifications (see Fig. #2).

Note the limitations of the data set. The section commonly referred to as “The Friend Zone” encompasses normal interactions as well as pain and awkwardness.

Also, The “Null Set” in the upper right hand corner is a statistical impossibility:

FM(P) = Undefined

Future Mate(Perfect) does not exist.

Adventures in Internet Dating

This series examines my plunge into the world of internet dating. I had my share of pitfalls as well as my share of triumphs and discoveries about myself.

Part 1: The Let Down

As I ventured into the gay dating world, I was filled with apprehension. I didn’t want to get mixed up with anybody who didn’t respect my boundaries. Although things with Cowboy Mark ended for related reasons, my optimism for a relationship with Anderson dwindled as he began rehearsals for another show and there was no time for me.

I felt a little bit selfish not being more patient—not waiting around—but after 3 weeks of not seeing him, I was lonely. I needed a change.

That’s when Hunter came into the picture. Hunter had come into my office months earlier. I had just gotten back from Canada and he’d stopped by to take care of some business for school. He had his suspicions of me and tested the waters.

“Canada, eh? I served my mission in Alberta. And last summer I lived in Toronto on Church Street?”

“Really? Isn’t it great?” I exclaimed as he sat across from me in my desk.

His bright blue eyes twinkled a bit with curiosity as he probed. He described in detail his experiences living amongst the drag queens, clubbing, and the annual gay PRIDE parade.

I was cautious. I knew exactly what was going on, but I played coy. I wasn’t ready to be that open at work. I wasn’t that ready to flirt with another guy in public. I smiled. I blushed. I did not—however—let on that his advances—his bashful grin, his directed gazes at my reaction to his more pointed descriptions—were making me very happy deep down.

It was all lost on me, I suppose. We both left it at curiosity for a couple of months. I met Anderson and Cowboy Mark and learned my lessons there while he went on his own journey in a new school with new people.

Then, running into him one day, I came out to him. I explained that I was closeted-ly coy that day and that we should hang out sometime. As we found out months after that exchange in my office, it was an interesting transition for both of us.

“I don’t know why I even suggested we go to Olive Garden. It doesn’t make sense to go on a date somewhere I eat and work on a daily basis even if the food is pretty good. You’d think I’d be sick of things like everything else,” he chuckled.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s been a difficult transition here. That’s all.”

“Oh. I see.”

“Friends have been hard to come by and everyone’s just interested in sex. They’ve lost touch with a part of themselves.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t believe in the Church anymore—I’ve even asked that my records be removed—but that doesn’t mean I have to shed all of my morals and sleep with every guy I see. You can’t abandon the spiritual because everything happens for a reason.”

By this point, I had forged an identity as an active, gay, dating Mormon and this really struck me. He might not be LDS anymore, but he was in a place that I respected. Spiritual and confident. It was really endearing to find someone that valued that balance in life and was actively pursuing a relationship. That moment really moved me. There really were other good guys out there who had been through this without “losing touch” or becoming bitter in some way. I pulled up all of the shields and defenses I had down. I’d already found blonde, blue-eyed Hunter cute, but at that moment, my heart got a little caught up in the possibility of a serious relationship with him. In that moment, he became one of the few people in that inner circle who could ask me anything and receive a completely honest answer.

“I haven’t really figured out this gay thing yet, you know?” I said as we finished our dinner. I want to have everything, but know that I can’t. It’s not often you run into somebody like you.”

“That’s very true. Especially here. That’s part of the reason I’m leaving.”

My jaw dropped (figuratively speaking).

“Leaving?”

“I’ve prayed and meditated and this isn’t where I’m supposed to be. I only have a few friends here and I don’t think my major’s working out like I thought it would….”

I slipped into a mild funk of disappointment—frustrated in part that I could get worked up over him so easily and then be let down just as easily.

I think he sensed that as the waitress asked about the check: “Together or separate?”

“Separate,” he said without any of the ritual, gay-date hesitation.

We were just friends.

In consolation, though, Hunter offered a bit of advice as he walked me to my car: “I’m sorry we didn’t get to hang out more. You’re even cooler and cuter than I’d thought. I’m only saying this because it’s helped me, but I think it would be a good idea for you to try using the internet to find guys. Not one of those skanky, hookup sites. Something honest and open and rated PG-13.”

I was a little dumbfounded. It was as if I had failed at dating. That’s what desperate, horny guys use. Was I that desperate and out-of-control? Coming from anybody but him—someone with values and integrity—I would have been offended, but he meant everything he said and cared for everyone he knew, so I took the plunge.

End, Part 1.