Coming of age
Warning: this post contains an adult discussion some may consider profane.
Kevin was fascinated by my innocence. He wasn’t the only one. Many guys’ fascination with innocence has to do with taking it away. In fact, many of them made that offer in the coming months. Kevin was different, however. He respected that I had not done anything more than make out with a guy.
There we were in his room. At first, I was worried about an awkward confrontation with Jack, his roommate who I’d dated a couple of months before; however, he was no where in sight. I had no intention of causing drama in the house.
Kevin sat at his computer desk checking his email as I perused his DVD collection for a movie to watch. Eventually, I came across Miss Congeniality.
“I haven’t seen this in a while,” I noted as he maneuvered his computer and speakers into position for a movie and cuddling session.
I was surprisingly at ease. I’d been very open about the fact that I didn’t want to be touched below the belt.
There was no doubt in my mind that he respected that as he repeatedly reassured me, “I wish I’d been as careful as you. There are a lot of things I shouldn’t have jumped right into. You don’t want to become a slut like I did.”
His history unfolded a little more:
“After I was here at college and on my own, I had total freedom to give into everything. I could give in to everything I’d wanted to for so long. And I did.
“I’ve been hurt plenty of times and regret a few things, but it really makes me wonder how you tick and how you’re able to keep from doing what almost all of the gay Mormon guys end up doing.”
I thought it over in my head as we laid there side-by-side under the covers of his twin-size bed. It was nice to be held. As the back of my head came to a rest just in front of his head, it was as if he was whispering something inaudibly as we silently watched the movie. He had shared with me things he didn’t feel comfortable discussing with other gay boys.
I felt special for thinking about more than just sex, for wanting to know guys, talk to them, and figure myself out before I did anything I’d regret for the rest of my life.
At that point, Kevin was the friend who had the most to offer me in that sense. I didn’t look down on him for what he’d been through or done in his wild years. We both accepted the underlying lesson that we could both learn from his mistakes.
Throughout the movie, he asked if he made me uncomfortable or if I needed anything. Consistently, I responded, “I’m fine, really” and we continued to enjoy ourselves. He also teased a few times that his hand would graze me somewhere inappropriate, but remained true to his promise. I suspect he was holding back a lot and I appreciated it. Still, by the end of the movie we were making out.
It was a little wetter and a little harsher than usual due to the scruff, but it was a fantastic release. It felt right (minus, perhaps, the slight taste of pastrami from dinner). We’d connected (to a degree), we’d enjoyed ourselves, and we were as honest with each other as we’d been to anyone else.
As the night came to a close, we sat there on his bed around 2 am. We’d returned to our conversation following the make-out session.
“So just how innocent are you?”
“I don’t know…. I’ve told you everything about my past.”
“No. I mean do you even know I’m talking about sometimes. A second ago, I said ‘cum,’ and you looked like you didn’t know what that means. Do you?”
“Um… no.”
“You really ARE that innocent! It’s slang for semen and you know what that is.”
Kevin was having trouble talking. He was blushing and his laughter had silenced him. “What about top and bottom?” he asked with tears in his eyes.
“The guy on top and the guy on bottom, right?”
“Oh, GMB, it’s a little more complicated than that.”
I suppose that was one way to relieve me of a bit of my innocence without doing anything I might regret. Also, these were things I knew I’d need to know not to look like a fool in the gay world. Kevin, thus, became a sort of mentor. Somebody who cared about my integrity and kept me safe from foreseeable dangers—even when he felt he posed a threat.
End, Part 6
5 comments:
He seems like just what you needed at the time. I'm curious as to what happens next.
Me, too! Did you see him again?
What is it about being a virgin that tantalizes the more experienced so. You see it throughout history. It must be one of those unexplainable, innate, carnal human desires.
Virginity is linked to innocence and virtue, as well as youth and beauty. I think there are virgins who realize this and play the system. I've been tempted before. It's really a vain temptation. I know that the one's that will take interest in me won't be interested in me, only my body. However, the thought of being desired at all is alluring. It's all a psychological/social mess.
Anyway, very interesting post. I'd better bring my towel next time since your blog is starting to get a little steamy. :)
One of the things that was so attractive about my first boyfriend was his willingness to make sure we didn't go too far. I never thought such a thing was possible outside of a Mormon community, and especially not in southern California.
@green and purple & C.J.: I guess I'm taking a detour for a while, but I'll get back to what happened with Kevin.
@boskers: That is true. I wonder sometimes if I've used the sexuality of virginity against guys before....
I'm sure this comment will factor into a future post somehow.
And yes, steamy is just the right word for what's coming up.
@El Genio: I totally agree. That is something rare and to be appreciated these days.
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