Saturday, March 13, 2010

An Open Letter to Fast Food Femme Fatales

And now another disjointed post as my vacation begins to wind down. I admit to eating out a lot more than I should. My roommates love the smell in the house when I cook, but sometimes I'm a very lazy person. (As has been the case with my writing for the past few days). I am no fast food connoisseur, but I have my opinions.

Wendy's, you are the hip place because you are cheap and not McDonalds. As spring arrives, I will no longer need the warmth of your day-old baked potatoes and hamburger-meat chili. The fries have been a little salty as of late, but I forgive you because of the new spicy chicken nuggets.

Burger King, you were always so blaze. You never really caught my attention until you changed the spices on your fries. You're like the unnoticed middle child and maybe that's why we get along. I really shouldn't like your rodeo cheeseburger, so please stop selling them.

McDonalds, we are still not speaking. Sure, I may have my relapses since Supersize Me, but you told me those childhood lies and lured me in, but I'm done. What's this I hear about smoothies, though?...

Subway, I'm not sure what to believe (esp. with this Jerod character of yours). I'm happy to see vegetables and colors in my meal that are not coated in sugar. Thank you for multiple bread choices and offering to toast my bread. With 200 subway points from the last 3 years, you always seem to give me an odd look when I decline to use them. Even more so when I say I'm saving up for my own toaster. Also:

KFC, you're also on my naughty list. I left the day I found out you'd given up your baked beans and don't plan to forgive you anytime soon.

Arby's, inflation is ever so evident thanks to your commercials. 5 for $5 became 5 for $5.95 and now you've abandoned all of that for a pathetic excuse for a dollar menu. Times are hard, I know.

Taco Time, I know I can depend on you for one healthy thing, my bean and veggie whole wheat burrito. You remember how I like black and not refried beans and I thank you for that.

Sincerely yours,



Anonymous said...

The smoothies at McDonald's are to die for- very good!

and, I, too, like the spicy chicken nuggets from Wendy's. :)

Hope you have a good rest of your vacation, GMB! Watch out for all that snow up north! and, cold rain today!

love and respect, awlays. slp

robert said...

That was a very clever post. As a teacher of the Culinary Arts, I am not a fast food user, but I really enjoy food related blog posts. you are very funny and I appreciate that. I really liked the subway toaster note.

Anonymous said...

You save money by having the cheese in the same direction vs different directions

Unknown said...

mcdonalds has smoothies?

My favorite local fast food joints:
Chick-fil-a... yah, I'm biased because I worked with them. But I don't think I'll ever get tired of their chicken. And waffle fries and polynesian sauce are to die for.

Sonic. I go there to get my drink on.

Subway. If I feel like I want to eat at least a little healthy.

Wienerschnitzel. Very unhealthy, but soooo very good. However, I have noticed that I like the ones locally a lot more than others I have been to.

Anonymous said...

You have popeyes in the picture, but mention kfc?!

popeyes just gets their chicken right. and their biscuits. and their red beans and rice....

i would just go to get the beans. sigh. popeyes, another one of those things that utah is lacking.

black people i miss you.

A Gay Mormon Boy said...

@me: I may have to try one of those smoothies and get back to you.

BTW, I think I managed to dodge the snow in my travels. Hehe.

@robert: Very cool. Check out the Cooking with the stars post a while back. It was a really fun post to write. I'm wondering if people thought it was too weird.

@Ethan: True.

@Evan: Eet Mor Chikin. I wish we had one in my hometown sometimes.

@Anon.: I must learn the goodness of Popeyes sometime. I'm not sure where to find one, actually.

Q said...

GMB - I'm very disappointed that you failed to mention my FAVORITE fast food place, especially since I was introduced to it when I was in Utah, and no longer have access to it's amazing-ness on the East Coast: Carl's Jr. The Double Western w/ Cheese might be God's reward for my being such a flawless being.

AND no mention of A&W or Artic Circle. Two other favorites which have been brutally ignored by you & the fascists on the East Coast. Well we have A&W but they don't have Root Beer Freezes. I tell you, what is the point in that?? AND their fry sauce is by far superior to others. Artic Circle's Lime Ricky is the nectar of the gods. I intro'd this heavenly concoction (SP?) to my BFF when I took to her Utah for the first time last August and I think she immediately went into labor with the new messiah. Yeah, THAT good.

You should really reconsider your life choices. OH, and this might be one of the funniest posts (yours not mine, obvi :) ) I've ever read. Loves it.

Q said...

PS - Popeye's is the shizznet. FAR superior to KFC. And I agree with Anonymous, I miss black people too. And by I miss them, I love them and their soul food.

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