Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Inevitable Goodbyes


You’ve probably noticed that, lately, I’ve taken an emotional hiatus from the more personal aspects of the blog. I feel that the appropriate time to be more substantive and reflective has returned.

In Vanished: A Stereotypical Gay Breakup Story, I described the difficulty of my first breakup . I felt like my world had ended because I knew that no one like him would come along again. Mark decided to leave me with a little more closure after a few weeks while I was on a research trip.

After I confronted him about disappearing, he offered the following explanation shortly before going on his mission (as always, names have been changed):

Thank you so much, I understand what you are saying completely and I know that (and am sorry that) I hurt you. I did take the cowards way out, I needed a change in my life, I needed to feel good about going on my mission, I needed to be completely ready. You have to remember I am young, I am afraid, I am immature, the only way I knew how to deal with this was to disappear. The Lord has blessed my life these past few weeks as I have prepared and I am so ready and excited to go, I couldn't have done that with a relationship on my mind. I don't know what the future holds for me, at this point my most realistic options are wait until I get home before I make any decisions... and remain celibate until I know what I want, as to avoid hurting anyone.
Again GMB I am sorry, truly sincerely sorry, and I hope that you can understand that, and my situation.
--Elder Marcus Rasmussen

goodbye hug

It was the goodbye I needed in order to move on and convince myself that what happened was not my fault. I replied:

I don't know if you need to hear any of this, but I got the impression from your last message that you should hear from me that I'm not angry.
I understand that you're figuring out how to deal with life and that your situation is a unique and difficult one. I seriously doubt that were I in your situation at that point in my life, I would have handled it as well as you did.
Again, you taught me the principle of self-worth and it's kept me from doing some pretty stupid things and letting people take advantage of me (esp. in the past few weeks). I know who I am and I really am grateful for that. Thanks.
I don't expect a reply to this; I just wanted to let you know (in this one last message) that I understand and that I'm fine. What I said in my last message was said out of honesty and concern and not out of bitterness.
Finally, have a wonderful two years. You'll love the people, you'll give it 100% and you'll do a lot of good in the lives of many people as a result of your decision to share the gospel. It'll be much harder than anything you've ever done, but, in the end, I'm certain that you'll be able to say to yourself, "That was the best decision I ever made."
I wish you the best, Elder Rasmussen.

I expect he went through every possibility in his head of how things could have worked out—as I did.

I see him crying a bit—as I did.

I imagine him being angry as the situation—as I was.

I think he even went to bed every night trying to get it all out of his head for weeks or months—as I did.


Andy said...

That must have been really hard for you. Interestingly enough, my first kind of "relationship" ended about a month ago. I don't even know if it would have qualified as a relationship...nothing happened. Anyway, his name was Mark (weird) and it was a good learning experience for me. I hope this was for you. However, even though Mark and I really didn't date for that long and literally nothing happened between us (i.e., kissing, holding hands...that's why I don't know if it would be considered a relationship), it's still hard to get him out of my mind. I somewhat feel your pain. And that is all.

A Gay Mormon Boy said...

Thank you. This post is about a time very early in a long healing process. Time heals all wounds even if it leaves a few scars.

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