From ‘Man Harems’ to ‘Flame Dames’

Continuing in the “Something Completely Different” vein, I’d like to respond to a few of the comments on my list. Space was limited in the harem, so only the top ten was a very selective group.

(Insert trite condescending “we had so much talent this year but limited space” explanation ala American Idol) .

Here are some of the semi-finalists—rounding out the sweet sixteen if you will:

11. and 12. The Heroes

As El Genio and David Baker pointed out, Milo Ventimiglia and Zachary Quinto from Heroes both barely missed the cut (Milo gets slightly more points for being Jess on Gilmore Girls and Zachary gets a few because my first issue of GQ featured him).

13. and 14. The Classic Leading Men

Tony Curtis and Rock Hudson were also in consideration, but I felt I could only choose one old-time suitor. Tony Curtis in Some Like it Hot proved the title an understatement just by being in it (even in drag). Also, any man good enough for argyle is good enough for me.

And no, Cary Grant didn’t make this cut either.

15. and 16. The Tall, soft-Spoken Ones

Zachary Levi of Chuck and John Krasinski of The Office (and the endearing movie Away We Go) also get some nods for my man harem. Lovable yet suave goofs with great hair.

Speaking of ‘Man Harems’…

they already exist, but in a different capacity.

In this world, there’s a group of people I like to refer to as ‘collectors,’ oftentimes they are referred to as ‘Fag Hags’—those lovable women who, for whatever reason, find themselves surrounded by gay men. I’m going to refrain from using that phrase any more in this piece because it’s not flattering to either party—it demeans women and homosexuals. Fortunately, that will allow me to use the synonyms I learned today reading up on the subject (see related Wikipedia page which includes a list of terms in a dozen languages).

This weekend, I was at a birthday party, ended up dropping my friend Liz’s name and immediately another gay man living a hundred (J.R.) miles away knew exactly who I was talking about. We both texted her pretending to be on a blind date to get her reaction. My favorite exchange was the following:

GMB: How is it you know every gay man in Utah?
Liz: I just know the hot ones.
GMB: So true. How do you find them?
Liz: I don’t. You find me!

I don’t think we ever got around to telling her the truth, but she provided the witty banter and commentary we all appreciate. Liz makes for an exemplary ‘fruit fly’ because she doesn’t really seek out the attention or the drama of gay world. She just happens to be the kind of person who loves and supports (notice I did not use the word ‘accept’) everyone.

‘Homo honeys’ don’t necessarily become ‘homo honeys’ out of love and mutual respect. As I said before, they can be created out of an affinity for drama (which, according the Jenna soundbite from 30 Rock, is ‘like gay man Gatorade, it replenishes their electrolytes’), whether that be in a theatrical sense or the more literal one.

Thomas Rogers wrote a great article on the ‘fruit loop’ phenomenon entitled ‘Ladies: I’m not your gay boyfriend’ for salon.com. Rogers brings up a great point that the gay world is much more diverse than most potential ‘fairy godmothers’ consider. The gay world is a lot more like the real world. Not all gay men have a closet full of clothes from Marc Jacobs newest collection. Not all gay men keep up on the newest Brittney Spears headline. Not all gay men are interested in moving between beds like a game of sexual hopscotch.

Emily and I have a dear relationship in this concern. I might not have the most visible tendencies, but if anything gives me away, it is the way that I dress. For this reason, I am the Will to her Grace, or as we like to see it, Mark and Amanda.

Once in a while, I will receive a text or a picture from her regarding a terrible outfit she saw or we’ll sit down and snarkily people watch in the book store or library. “My, those red shorts and green top make him look like a scrawny Christmas tree.” “Just because it’s rainbow colored doesn’t mean it goes with every color!” Etc.

It might not be the most honorable thing to do, but when it comes down to it, we’re just playing a kid’s game of pretend. We’re not actually judging people; we’re making fun of the stereotypical ‘fag hag’ and flamer we could be and the ignorant people who put us in those boxes.