Food for Thought #26

In honor of completing the first draft of Book I:

“A book is made with one’s own flesh and blood of years.”

-- Willa Cather

Notes on "A Series of Sundays"

A few notes on the latest series:

1. The title is derived from the musical Sunday in the Park with George.  From the plays setting description page: "Act I takes place on a series of Sunday from 1884-1886 and alternates between a park and an island in the Seine just outside of Paris and George [Seurat]'s studio."
2. The epigraphs are derived from the same musical.  The choice seemed fitting as much of the show focuses on the concept of vision.  Although that theme is somewhat undeveloped and non-cohesive in the series, it plays an important role.
3. A significant aspect of this series is admittedly controversial in Mormon circles.  My main goal was to find a balance for readers familiar with the significance of garments as well as those completely unfamiliar.  I hope I remained respectful and provided enough context to understand the significance in the story. 

Food for Thought #12

With the recent, very unexpected passing of a colleague, these words came across my desk: 

It only felt right to pass them on.

Notes on The Life and Times of Boyfriend #2

The title of this series was in part inspired by a novel by J.M. Coetzee (The Life and Times of Michael K). 

The stanzas of the following poem served as the epigraphs for my latest series.  The poem developed as I wrote the series.  I still think Stanza one needs some serious work; its ideas might be better served in the poem’s title.

The Gap

Romantic and
Rational
Converge
In braided Reality.

Pitching ropes
Across the crevasse
To
One another,
They create,
Bridging the divide,
Plank by plank.

Slats and
Strands
Come together,
Pulling each other taught with
Friction.

The sounds
Of fiber against fiber
Of purpose and
Of pieces pulled
Together
In Divine construct
Stand solid

Then give way.  Cord
Unbraided.  Limbs
Cracked. Gods
Felled.

We stand,
We stare
From either side
Of
The bridgeless gap.

Blogiversary

One year ago, this all began in a tiny village in Chile. It’s true and I’ll get around to explaining how it all happened, but for now the important part is that I’m still here and feel like I’ve grown a lot as a writer. Not losing those skills was a major goal of mine following graduation from college.

The first of my major announcements today is a couple of new concepts I’ve developed in writing this blog.

The first concept is “Live Revise.”

Imagine being able to see an author revise his/her book in front of your eyes. In a matter of weeks, I plan to have that option open to you as I take my series posts and revise them into the chapters of a book (a long and complicated process that I’m just beginning, mind you). Using Adobe’s Buzzword, I plan to grant you all access to a book version of the blog. (BTW—don’t take this as a sign I’ve found a publisher or anything, although if you’d like to find me one, by all means…).

At present, basic formatting isn’t up to par and my current blog template isn’t all that agreeable with inserting a reader, so look forward to that ‘innovation.’

The second concept is “Spiral Staircase Narrative.”

The structure of this blog is unique in that it is all set roughly a year in the past. As I approach year two of the blog, I will build upon year one in some very vital aspects. For instance, one of my greatest romantic disappointments came as I was writing about my breakup with my first boyfriend. My allusions to the blog will shed light on the process as the writing builds upon itself in a very unconventional sense. When year three rolls around, it will built upon year two building upon year one and so forth.

At the very least, I hope this will provide some literary theorist a good smirk.

Keep posted for announcement number two which has the potential to affect the entire MoHo community.

Dear Readers:

Many of you who read this blog know my true identity. Some of you have figured it out and asked. Others I have told. But due to recent events I must reveal to all of you the honest truth.

As you know, I have been writing under a pseudonym but what you probably don’t realize is that I operate concurrent blogs. I am the author of both www.agaymormonboy.blogspot.com and www.belovedboyd.blogspot.com

Yes the blogger behind both “The Journey of a Gay Mormon Boy” and “The Wandering Delusions of a Gay Mormon Boy” is the same person. What's more is that both of these blogs have been a social experiment. Last June, in an attempt to better my writing and understand the gay community I took up an alter ego, as I did research for my new project. I became a “Gay Mormon Boy” and created a work of pure fiction, testing new characters and ideas with an online audience.

I read many stories of angst and anguish that I hadn’t thought about before this experiment. They helped me craft my story that has hooked many readers. After a few months of writing one blog I knew that I had to have a companion story. Something raw and gritty. In order for people to believe Beloved Boyd I included a disclaimer of honesty so people would disassociate the two blogs.

I decided to include the second blog for several reasons, but mostly because I work well with two heroes in one long tale as is the case with my most famous work and as these the two blogs intersect and become one. I am certain that you are familiar with my other works as I see them discussed across the Moho blogosphere, and hope that as you read this new blog (starting tomorrow at www.gaymormonboys.blogspot.com) you'll enjoy the adventures of GMB and Boyd, my new Jacob and Edward.

Sincerely,

Stephenie Meyer

Slow Down, GMB!

Unfortunately, my life for the next two weeks will be that of a hermit for the most part. I'm having one of those too-much-on-my-plate, what-the-heck-have-I-done-to-myself? moments. My body and mind are in agreement that it's time to slow down for a bit, and I mean that mentally, psychologically, and socially.

As a result, most of my writing energies will go into other endeavors to which I've already committed myself (two national and regional research presentations, the creation of an exhibit in Salt Lake set to open in June, a full-time job, editing a friend's dissertation, etc.). This basically means that posts during this time will be shorter, funnier, and based on not-so-original content.

That said, Missionary Monday will continue and the next series will have a bit more planning put into it as I untangle the ambiguity of the last series finale. (Something I'm quite satisfied with, by the way. I only wish I'd hashed out the motif in the title a bit more in those last posts-- that's what revisions are for, though).

I wish you well, but promise a big revelation very soon.

A GMB Glossary, Vol. 2

Since the last post had a bit to do with gay lingo, I thought this topic deserved a revisiting before the last two installments of Adventures in Internet Dating. Also, some of you recently posed questions regarding some of these terms.

Today’s post is directed more toward those unfamiliar with terms frequently used by gay and lesbian Mormons. Some of these terms are also used by men and women of other faiths.

Terms

SSA stands for Same Sex Attraction (also referred to as SGA-- Same Gender Attraction).

Within this culture it is often used to distinguish between those who act on homosexual feelings and those who do not. Those pursuing relationships with people of the same sex are more often referred to as gay or lesbian (in my experience) and more frequently refer to themselves this way.

GMB stands for Gay Mormon Boy

I started referring to myself under this term because I felt it embodied three very important, conflictive elements of my identity. 1) Homosexuality, 2) My upbringing in the LDS faith, and 3) My own coming of age—the turn from boy to man.

MoHo stands for Mormon Homosexual. Taken from a central directory for “MoHo” blogs, http://mohodirectory.blogspot.com/, the following are presented as acceptable definitions:

1. A Mormon Homosexual
2. A Gay Mormon
3. A person of homosexual orientation who has some affiliation (either as a current member or a former member) with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Organizations

Bloggernacle is a Mormonized version of the word blogosphere. Used in the same contexts.

Evergreen International is an organization dedicated to the treating homosexual tendencies of members of the LDS Church. From their website:

“Evergreen is a nonprofit organization that helps people who want to diminish same-sex attractions and overcome homosexual behavior. It is also a resource to their loved ones, professional counselors, religious leaders, and friends.”

North Star is an organization providing support resources to members of the LDS Church who experience same-sex attraction. From their website:

“North Star is a place of community for Latter-day Saints dealing with issues surrounding homosexual attraction who desire to live in harmony with the teachings of Jesus Christ and the doctrines and values of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”

(Interestingly, Northstar is also the name of Marvel’s first openly gay super hero. I’m not sure if there was a connection here).

Affirmation is a LGBT support group for current and former members of the LDS Church. From their website:

“Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons serves the needs of gay Mormon women and men, as well as bisexual and transgender LDS and their supportive family and friends, through social and educational activities.”

Laws/Doctrines

I’ll close with some definitions from a now-defunct blog called Soy Made Me Gay (with the exception of Word of Wisdom). These definitions are a gay Mormon’s take on certain aspects of church doctrines.

LAW OF CHASTITY

Church rule that prohibits all “below the belt”-type activities between people that aren’t married to each other (same-sex marriages don’t count). You can’t marry yourself, so guess what else is out. Yep. That, too. And don’t even think about porn. Really.

LAW OF TITHING

Ten percent of your income goes (in little gray envelopes) to the Church.

WORD OF WISDOM

A doctrine of the Church which prohibits the consumption of coffee, alcohol, tobacco, certain types of tea, and illegal drugs.

TEMPLE RECOMMEND

A card that shows that the carrier has been interviewed by the Stake President and has been found to meet the minimum requirements of worthiness (Law of Chastity, Law of Tithing, Word of Wisdom, etc.) to enter the temple.

I hope this clears up some things about the issues gay and lesbian Mormons face and some of the vocabulary we use.

Message for a New Year

Weary from my New Year’s tour (I’m a veritable party slut—four parties Thursday night), I didn’t really have the energy to spin out a suitable post for the new year, so here it is. 

As my blog isn’t conventionally set in the present, I’ve decided that a list of resolutions isn’t really fitting so, instead, I will give you a preview of what’s to come:

• Adventures in Internet Dating
• Rebounding
• Expanding My Circle of Friends
       “You mean I and Mark aren’t the only GMBs"?”
• A (Miniscule) History of Dating Girls
• Signs to Myself and Others
       Searching for a Beginning
• Family Homo Evenings
• The Mission
       Friends, Reunions, Related Experiences
• Lessons in Gay Civics
• More “Why Do We Like…?”, Laughs, and Meditations.

 

Happy New Year!

The Experiment, Part 5

The Breakdown

The next morning, I made my way to the Avis store to pick up a rental car. The time had come for a trip across the province to visit some museums and do some interviews as well as an informal survey of the landscape—to know a people, you must understand the place out of which they grow.

I hopped in the car and set off for a six-hour drive alone. The traffic wasn’t anything to complain about. The weather was perfect. The scenery was as spectacularly green as I’d expected.

Not long into the journey, any confidence I’d had about being on my own, of being smart or valued, of being over Mark had vanished.

I was alone.

Everything reminded me of him and how I was not good enough. I flashed back to our first date in the amphitheater watching 30 Rock, to my first kiss in Ensign Downs Park overlooking the Salt Lake Valley, and finally to his sudden disappearance from my life. It was in every sense a flood of emotions. It poured over me with suffocating force.

Every song on the radio just seemed to pull me closer to a watery grave of depression. My cheer-me-up sing-along music even seemed to pull me down. One song in particular stung very deep: Mika’s Erase. Our discussions about Mika being the new Freddy Mercury resurfaced as I listened:

…

I shouldn’t have said the things I said
Lookin’ for love we left for dead
In a grave without a stone.

As soon as you hear my voice
Don’t hesitate
Put your finger on the button

Erase my love, I bet you can’t erase my touch
You’re tryin’ to replace a feelin’ without a name
With somebody else’s face in your head.

…

The words pulled me down because for the first time I was open to the lyrics and meanings, to the bitterness and sweetness, to the tragedy and irony of life. For the first time in life I felt like I was able to understand the range of human emotions and write about how they are expressed (or repressed).

That said, feeling like I could never be loved—that every good man would reject me in that way—made recovery difficult. I turned off the radio and drove.

An hour later, I pulled over bracing the biggest hailstorm I’d ever seen. Marble-sized stones pounded against the window. The sheet of water streaming down the windshield kept me from seeing beyond the front bumper. I had no choice but to sit and think, so there I sat for forty-five minutes as the lyrics passed through my head again and again:

…

When the pain won’t go away
You might as well
Put your finger on the trigger

Erase my love, I bet you can’t erase my touch
You’re tryin’ to replace a feelin’ without a name
With somebody else’s face in your head.

…

The hailstorm ended, but the sun was nowhere in sight.

I wiped away the tears, looked in the mirror and said to myself, “GMB. pull yourself together. You have work to do.”

End, Part 5

This story is on hiatus until after Christmas. I don’t want to be a downer on the holiday cheer. Plus, I’ve just had something very similar come to pass with another boy. Indeed, timing is a funny thing when it comes to my writing.

“Away We Go” and/or “Because I Knew You I Have Been Changed for the Better”

Pardon the reference to the overly-used lyrics from the Broadway hit Wicked. It has a lot to do with what I’d like to speak about today. (An aside: Steven Schwartz is a genius, but his other works like Children of Eden deserve far more attention). I feel the need to address some criticism to my writings.

As I watched the movie Away We Go, I thought a lot about the journey I’ve taken with my friends since our sophomore year of high school. We’ve been struck by a fair amount of tragedy and success. We are going places and doing things. We also manage to stay close despite being in the northwest, the south, the East coast, and Utah. Very recently, I came to the realization that I have an amazing and diverse network of friends (on Facebook of all places).

The movie follows Burt (John Krasinski, The Office) and Verona (Maya Rudolph, SNL), on a journey to figure out the life they want to provide their daughter. Along the way, they see plenty of good and bad examples of romantic and parental relationships and resolve to provide their child the life she deserves leaving behind their go-nowhere, dead-end lives. The question that remains is how?

Like the couple in the movie, I have surrounded with a diverse group of people that teach me important life lessons on a regular basis. I learn from them how to love, how to be a better person, and how to treat others with the respect they deserve. This blog has become not only a personal memoir of these life lessons. I consider it a “love letter” to the friends I’ve made in college, high school, as well as through this blog and other experiences.

Friends, thank you again for all of the things you continue to teach me.

What am I getting at?

Last night, I watched the movie Julie and Julia with my friends for my friend Annie's birthday. It's a movie I highly recommend. One that touches on how the simple things in life such as cooking or the love of another person (simplicity there is debatable, I know) can bring joy to one's life.

In the film, Amy Adams and Meryl Streep's characters' are both brought purpose and meaning as they cooked; however, I feel that the greater art in these life lessons—what really gave them focus and joy was sharing their joys and struggles through the written word. As someone who studies the written word, I may be biased, but it is the most purposeful way for two people to connect as the writing process requires editing, consideration of one's audience, and construction of voice.

In the movie, Julie starts a blog to bring meaning to her life, setting the goal of cooking all of the recipes in Julia's cookbook. As she sets out on her journey to complete every recipe in Julia Child's cookbook, she explains the goal to her readers.

All of that led me to wonder if I'd provided any meaning to those of you who stumble upon this blog. I struggle sometimes with being direct, so I'll come right out and say just what I hope to accomplish through my writing. This blog (about the experiences of a GMB one year after the actual events generally) was created in order to:

• Reflect on these events and how I've changed/grown.
  
• Help me understand the GMB culture I live within.
  
• Help others who are in a similar situation to my own.
  

In the short time that I've been writing, I've received a few laughs and a few thank yous. That is as satisfying and meaningful as the writing itself.