Conference Controversy Follow-up

A more thoughtful consideration of the matter at hand.  Still a bit rough as I’m under the weather:

I've been considering for some time the best angle to examine the Boyd K. Packer talk.  As I don't see much change around the corner, it's convenient to just play it off as same ol', same ol'.  I only hope to offer some commentary and context that might otherwise go unnoticed.

First of all, the majority of us can agree that Elder Packer's comments were anything but unexpected.  For years, his three main threats to faith have been presented as: the gay rights movement, feminism, and "so-called intellectuals."  In each case, an aspect of individualism somehow threatens the doctrine.  In the case of intellectualism, dependence on scientific evidence threatens the leaps of faith made by members.  Feminism and homosexuality, however, threaten the patriarchal male-female role definitions fused into the Church’s doctrine.  For instance, a man can be sealed (married for time and all eternity through LDS religious authority) to several women, whereas a woman can only be sealed to one man.  Women who challenge these ideas such as Sonia Johnson find themselves excommunicated along with proponents of same-sex marriage.

An profile at  The Mormon Curtain examines Packer's conservative record.  Those of you outside of the LDS Church or relatively younger are likely less familiar with some of the history associated with all of this.  In 1976, Packer oversaw the publication of the anti-masturbation pamphlet “To Young Men Only.”  In 1977, he counseled members to only marry their own race, emphasizing that differences in race threaten success.  Issues of race and sexuality aside, I take issue with the emphasis on “pure faith.”

In this, Packer's brand of Mormonism is Pharisaical.  One of his more cited quotes, esp. in regard to 19 year-old missionaries, is that “a testimony is found in the bearing of it.”  The implication here is subtle, though worrisome. 

In my own journey, I’ve found that this philosophy (I hesitate terming it doctrine) has strengthened many people in following what they believe.  Herein lays the hostility toward intellectualism.  One is supposed to rely more upon what one is told than experienced via reason and in some cases one’s own five senses.  As a missionary, I taught people to depend upon both and find a balance.  “Read the Book of Mormon.  See what it makes you feel.  Don’t act upon convenience.” 

I find myself in a similar position as those I taught.  I look for the good in people and ideas.  I have a testimony of equality, that the love of two people who can procreate is no greater than that of two people who cannot, and that the happiness and righteousness of one person should not be the destruction of another.  My testimony of these things comes from probing these ideas and living them rather than having them fed to me. 

At least within the Mormon tradition, Pharisees have been characterized as those following the Law of Moses to an excessive degree and emphasizing the outward aspects of worship such as being publicly perceived as obedient.  They also attempted to legislate morality, bringing laws from the Torah (and in many cases from tradition associated with scripture) into everyday life.  The most obvious and problematic correlation here is the Proposition 8/Gay Marriage debate. 

As some of the more hopeful gay Mormon bloggers have brought up, the question of “Why would our Heavenly Father make someone gay?” is the antecedent to the entire gay marriage debate and a question which has not been addressed in the past.  Regardless of the theological implications of the responses to that particular question, another supersedes it:

36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt ^alove the Lord thy God with all thy ^bheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy ^cmind. 
38 This is the first and great ^acommandment.
39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt ^alove thy neighbour as thyself.
40 On these two commandments hang all the ^alaw and the prophets (Matthew 22).

Unfortunately, this passage exemplifies the doctrinal ambiguity LGBT Mormons face on a daily basis.  On the one hand, our brothers and sisters are to devote their love to the Lord and on the other to their neighbors (A of F 1, 11). 

So it seems that these two commandments stand in conflict with one another.  If homosexuality is a trait acquired through a sinful life and that one is able to overcome such as Packer clearly states, then protecting gays and lesbians from themselves through legislation on the morality of consenting adults fits.  This stance, however, hangs on these last strings of doctrine. 

As science continues to prove homosexuality an innate trait in humans and as mothers and fathers raise their children under optimum spiritual conditions only to come to terms with their children’s homosexuality later in life, the intellectual, experiential evidence, again, stands to threaten Elder Packer’s worldview. 

As his health declines and the old guard is replaced by the new, I tend to think that the rhetoric will be more measured and that the good done by so many different LGBT groups will even be recognized here in Utah—work to help the homeless, work to prevent discrimination, and work to treat all men and women as equals. 

For now, though, Elder Packer’s rhetoric should be treated as what it is: a hostile remnant of a bygone era similar to calls for racial purity and superiority that slowed to a trickle a generation ago.  These attitudes are a generational watershed of hate that trickle down to our youth.  As we cling to the idea that homosexuality can be cured, we teach a new generation not to love one another, but rather to hate ourselves—hate ourselves for being weak, for letting ourselves be influenced by Satan, for not being good enough parents, for letting our children slip away, and for letting ourselves accept our feelings and what our experiences tell us.  These attitudes result in the trauma that has fallen so many.  

Should this continue, the leap of faith that so many youth will take will be nothing more than a fall into depression and suicide.  Take a moment now to remember that everyone is valued and that happiness comes from valuing others regardless of their beliefs and allowing them to find peace with themselves. 

Another Goodbye

I’ve discussed the topic of suicide before, but unfortunately, it rears its ugly semblance with frequency here in Utah.

I’m not going to sensationalize another suicide of a gay Mormon who I never knew, but rather invite you to a vigil in his honor. It will take place today from 9-10 pm at the Utah State Capitol (FB event link).

Todd Ransom took his own life this morning after much conflict and non-acceptance, leaving the world with the following Facebook status: “Sunrise - accept this offering – Sunrise.”

Unfortunately, one of the simplest lessons of Christianity remains forgotten. The only way to avert more losses is to offer one another our love unconditional.

In Memoriam

Instead of continuing the current series as planned, I’ve elected for a day of silence in memory of Stuart Matis, a gay Mormon who shot himself on the steps of his meetinghouse in Palo Alto, CA ten years ago today (Feb. 25, 2000).

In honor of his parents wishes not to politicize his death on this day, I leave you with links to other posts remembering him and his own words (taken from these sites):

"I implore the students at BYU [Brigham Young University] to re-assess their homophobic feelings. Seek to understand first before you make comments. We have the same needs as you. We desire to love and be loved. We desire to live our lives with happiness. We are not a threat to you or your families. We are your sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, neighbors, co-workers and friends, and most importantly, we are all children of God."

"Perhaps my death … might become the catalyst for much good. I’m sure that you will now be strengthened in your resolve to teach the members and the leaders [of the Church] regarding the true nature of homosexuality." (letter to family, Los Altos Town Crier)

"The church has no idea that as I type this letter, there are surely boys and girls on their calloused knees imploring God to free them from this pain. They hate themselves. They retire to bed with their finger pointed to their head in the form of a gun. The church's involvement in the Knight initiative [prop 22] will only add to the great pain suffered by these young gay Mormons." (letter to cousin weeks before his death)

"Straight members have absolutely no idea what it is like to grow up gay in this church. It is a life of constant torment, self-hatred and internalized homophobia." (same letter to cousin).

Accounts:
Requiem for a Gay Mormon: In memory of Henry Stuart Matis
Henry Stuart Matis (1967-2000)
To Be Gay — And Mormon (Newsweek)

Others’ Reactions:
I Will Remember You
Dear Stuart
Remembering Stuart
When Heavy Wings Grow Lighter
The Matis Statement
No Such Thing as a Coincidence?

The S Word, Part 3

Moving Past the “Why?”

Dwelling on this “Why?” Question in regards to suicide can lead to blame, anger, and further destruction, so we must move on to more constructive thinking. Whenever I work with students on their writing, one of the biggest hurdles they face is answering the “So What?” Question—the purpose of the discussion.

In writing this series, the question “Why is it important to understand why someone would commit suicide?” is implied. The answer is that an empowering WE CAN make a difference in someone’s life if we’re prepared (and, of course, they accept the help we offer).

Both Tanner and Craig felt that they would be better off without the world and perhaps that the world might be better off without them. The most logical ways to prevent a suicide is to make sure that everyone, especially those at greater risk, 1) feel like their existence is somehow appreciated and 2) that their problems are manageable if not surmountable.

One Brief Glimpse

It’s not often that I bring up events of the present but I think it’s important in this case to assess how I handled a related situation.

“So… I hear you warned Stuart about me?”

A chat bubble had appeared unexpectedly. It was a GMB I’d met once and found unstable. I had indeed warned my friend about this instability and some unsafe behavior.

“So…why do all of you guys cover your asses instead of letting people make opinions for themselves?”

I explained to him why I’d said what he had and felt completely justified. “You weren’t being safe and I was watching out for him.”

“Well, maybe you should have seen it as a cry for help rather than a chance to gossip. It’s people like you who make me want to kill myself.”

I stopped there for a moment. In part it was a reaction in the vein of You did not just say that!, but clearly he had and was not joking. I thought I’d done the right thing, yet I’d effectively hurt someone enough for suicide to be an issue?

“You want to kill yourself sometimes? Have you talked to someone about it? Does your family know?” I responded with a barrage of questions.

He assured me he was seeing an LDS Family Services therapist and that he was doing better. I offered him the number of the therapist on campus (who I’d never went to following a traumatic flashback to my mission).

“My family knows, but they don’t do anything,” he said bitterly. “You of all people should know what I’m going through, but you just act like you’re perfect.”

“I’m not. No one is.”

“You should have been there for me. That behavior was a cry for help. You should have called me on it, but you just let it all happen,” he jabbed as I wondered how much I was to blame for any of this.

I don’t think that either of us was 100% culpable. That said, I’ve assessed the situation and drawn the following conculsions:

Good:
Showing concern
Asking what help he’d received and who knew

Bad:
Not calling him on dangerous behavior
Not taking advantage of resources for my own mental health

So here’s the plan of action:
I’ll check up on him regularly. have long talks about the Gay Mormon Dilemma, share my experiences with depression, call him on risky behavior, and most importantly be his friend.

Remember:

This is a real problem with real lives at stake. In the past six months I’ve heard numerous stories from Gay Mormon Boys upset at the lives they can and cannot live:

• A missionary telling himself that he’d rather jump in front of a bus than spend one more day in the mission.
• Beloved Boyd who attempted to kill himself to escape the choice between sexuality and religion.
• Two students at the Y admitting to continual repression of suicidal thought and behavior as they repress sexual tendencies.
• A friend disappointed that his sexuality was not fixed by prayer and a mission attempting suicide weeks before his scheduled return date.
• (for related discussion, follow this link).

There are resources out there for those contemplating suicide and those who are trying to help someone avoid that decision:

• Free counseling on many college campuses.
• The National Suicide Prevention Hotline
• The Trevor Project
• Continual love and support of friends and family

End of series.

The S Word, Part 2

Making Sense of the Senseless

Recently, I’ve decided that two key factors kept me from fathoming why someone would commit suicide.

The first is that I simply didn’t understand life. While I had gone out teaching about life and the Plan of Happiness for two years, I knew deep down that I really didn’t grasp some very important aspects like how I was going to get married and have a family when sex and intimacy seemed completely unappealing.

Upon meeting Grey and forming a relationship with Mark, life itself became understandable. I was different and there was a reason for so many awkward situations and conversations that had come to pass.

The second factor was branching out and meeting people that were not part of Utah’s bubble world. This was easy as a college student. International, intellectual, and GLBT friends showed me that there really are more questions than answers in this life. No one can profess to completely understand another person.

I’ve learned about suicide and abuse from people who have faced it first-hand, and realized that these problems are so prevalent in society through movies and works of literature such as Prayers for Bobby, Latter Days, and Facing East.

Essentially, we are put in a state of cognitive dissonance. Part of us is aligned with Church teachings while the other half stands (whether it be in action or existence) in opposition to that ideal. We all have different methods of resolving this conflict (as I discussed in Walking the Fence) and unsafe behaviors such as suicide result because they seem like the best option.

Another Death in the Family

It was Saturday night and one of my last nights at my parents’ house before moving out. The phone rang.

“Hi, grandma. How are you?”

“I’m good. Is your father home?”

“He’s at a court of honor. Might I give him a message?”

“Tell him Craig’s shot himself and to come over as soon as he can.”

Grandma was always one for keeping her cool. The worry and grief in her voice were imperceptible.

I sent my father on his way, shocked that another cousin, seemingly a happy family man with a wife and two-week old daughter, would take his own life. The family had gathered at her house to grieve.

Four days later, we sat at the funeral. I will never forget the words of Tanner and Craig’s fathers. Both of them described in uncomfortable detail an uneasy trek up stairs to learn about their respective sons’ last act.

Tanner’s father found a letter neatly sealed on the kitchen counter. He read it aloud to Tanner’s widow in the kitchen holding her as they sat together at the kitchen table. The depression he’d fought for years became unbearable. Expressing his love, his doubts, and regrets, he said his final goodbye.

Approaching the pulpit, Craig’s father kept his composure. “Every step I took, I hoped I would hear some sign of life, of my son’s love as I went up those stairs. Each step grew darker and more silent.”

His voice cracked, tearing a gap in the dam holding back the tears. “My ears were first to tell me something was wrong. Then my nose. I could tell he was not there anymore and I saw him—No!—his body lying there.”

The silence was labored as no one wanted to hear even the barest of accounts.

Speaking for himself and Tanner’s father, he said, “After what they put us through, forgiving them has been the hardest thing either of us have ever or will ever have to do. We still love them and they are missed.”

From then on, it became an issue at the back of my mind. I didn’t ever want to hear another story like that. Of the depressed father, of the rejected Gay Mormon son or daughter, or the person nobody thought had a care in the world.

End, Part 2.

The S Word

Suicide

There come times in life where two completely different spheres of life somehow cosmically connect.

This week, BB has been sharing some shockingly-personal experiences about an attempt at suicide, which (in a way) helped me prepare for a lengthy and worrisome discussion with a friend who has been facing the same gay/Mormon conundrum. For that reason, I’ve decided to dedicate some writing to this topic, so that I might better understand suicide and its prevention and hopefully make a difference in the life of someone who needs to help someone or be heard.

Some Background:

There was a time in my life that I struggled to understand why anyone would ever consider suicide (enough so for me to outline a paper on why West Side Story is a superior work of art to Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet). How could life get so bad that death would be a suitable alternative?

High school was an incredibly idealistic time for me; however, once I left that world and made my way out into the real world—out of the bubble of Utah Mormon culture and into the mission field—I began to understand that the real world was composed of the shades of grey I’d only begun to recognize in art and literature.

I came home a different person emotionally, physically, mentally, and psychologically. I had the best and the worst experiences of my entire life (including an emotional breakdown— all of which I’ll detail more in the future), allowing me to empathize and connect with practically every person I’ve come in contact with since then.

A Struggle:

Things are different once they’re knocking at the back door, demanding your hospitality, your attention, and a cup of sugar.

It was like any other Saturday night. Grandma always called my father (her favorite son) to talk about her week and how things were going with the rest of the family. The call lasted only a few minutes before he called me and my brother to dinner twenty minutes early.

“Boys,” he said in a husky whisper, “you’re cousin Tanner’s dead.”

Tanner was nearly forty, reconciled after a brief period of estrangement with his wife. He put the kids to bed, kissing both of them on the forehead, took half a bottle of pain medication, and then fell asleep holding his wife in his arms.

In the moment, as my father described what had happened, only one thing went through my head. My reaction was anger—anger at taking a father from his children, a son from his parents, and a husband from his wife. The greater frustration, though, came later. It was not the matter of loss (for that was all too common and understandable), but rather my own inability to understand why a seemingly happy man would do such a thing.

To be honest, despite all of the sincere efforts I made to understand—from talking to my family to reading about suicide on the internet—I just couldn’t find an answer.

I’ve said before that figuring out and accepting my homosexuality became the key to understanding so many other aspects of life. This is one of those aspects.

End, Part 1